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Stupid is as Stupid Does

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It is 2:00 A.M. and I am working on my computer at the kitchen table.  My eyes are blurry and my back hurts.  I decide to go out in the back yard to see if it is still as hot as it was earlier in the evening.  I save my work and go to the back door.  The dogs come running as soon as I open the back door. I squeeze past them so they do not get out. If the dogs get out they will wake up the whole neighborhood with their barking, and that is not good.  I close the door behind me.

It is still as muggy and stagnant outside as it was earlier in the evening. I instantly begin sweating in my purple P.J.’s.  A moth flies toward my head, and I slap it away.  Enough of this, I say to myself, and turn to open the door and go back into the house. I turn the knob and it is stuck.   I turn it harder. Damn! I have locked myself out of the house.

Another bug of some sort buzzes my ear, and I swat it away.  What am I going to do now?  I do not want to knock on the door and wake the whole house.  Then I remember the spare key we placed in a well-hidden place in the garden.  In bare feet, I cautiously walk through the flowers and weeds to get to the statue of a gnome.  I slap the mosquitoes away and bend down to find the key under the gnome.  It is not there!

Not knowing what kind of creepy crawly creature I may be touching, I put the gnome back and walk out of the garden.  Maybe the key is in the garage.  For the life of me, I cannot understand who took the key from the gnome.  Shouldn’t he be protecting my keys or something?  Isn’t that what garden gnomes are supposed to do?

I go to the side door of the garage. We do not usually lock it, so I am happy when the knob turns. I push the door.  It will not open more than an inch.  Oh, there is a refrigerator blocking my entrance. This said item is the refrigerator my daughter dropped off earlier to keep in the garage for drinks.  The refrigerator is hanging over the door just enough so I cannot budge the door open.  Double Damn! Why didn’t they check to see if the door opened after they placed the refrigerator in the garage?

I carefully make my way from the garage to the front of the house. I am cautious and avoid cutting my foot on something I cannot see.  I am hoping that the front door is magically opened.  No.  Ahhh….I retrace my steps to the back door again, trying the knob again in vain.  The two dogs have their noses crushed against the window looking at me.  I know they would open the door for me if they could.

Having no other choice, I leave the back yard once more. I head for my bedroom window where I dread waking up my husband; however, at this point, I have no other choice.  Like a thief in the night, I sneak up to the window and tap gently.  I know if anyone on the block looks out their window and sees me, they will think I am a burglar.  I am just about to tap on the window again, when lights blind me, and a voice booms in my ear.

“Please move away from the house and put your hands up.”

My heart falls to my feet.  I quickly turn around ready to explain, and I see that standing there is my husband.  The flashlight is in his hand and it is shaking due to the deep belly laugh he cannot control.  I am furious now and slapping bugs away from my ankles.  I probably will have malaria from all the darn bug bites.

“Jerk!” I mumble to my husband who is crying in hysteria.  I walk around to the back door that he has left open.  The dogs are happy I am unharmed, and I give them both a loving pat on the head for their good intentions.

Trying to control his humor, my husband follows me into the house.  It seems he heard me rummaging around the back yard and got up to see what was going on.  Seeing that I was locked out, he grabbed the flashlight and snuck behind me. He then waited for just the right moment to ambush me.

With a chuckle still vibrating in his chest, my hubby kisses my cheek and goes back to bed.  The bugs really bit me up and the bites require a little Benadryl cream to avoid the itching that will inevitably come by the time I wake up.  Other than the bug bites, I am doing okay.  I did learn a few lessons about locking yourself out of the house.  The first lesson is never trust your husband. Second, dogs only want to love you and let you in.  Finally, do not depend on garden gnomes to hold your spare keys.

In the end, I understand that I need to pay attention when I wish to wander outside in the middle of the night.  I am going to put a spare key somewhere accessible to me. I never want to be locked out of the house, again.

Copyright © Jamie Nowinski and Grandmother Wisdom/ Grandmother Musings 2012-2013.
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