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Stupid is as Stupid Does

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It is 2:00 A.M. and I am working on my computer at the kitchen table.  My eyes are blurry and my back hurts.  I decide to go out in the back yard to see if it is still as hot as it was earlier in the evening.  I save my work and go to the back door.  The dogs come running as soon as I open the back door. I squeeze past them so they do not get out. If the dogs get out they will wake up the whole neighborhood with their barking, and that is not good.  I close the door behind me.

It is still as muggy and stagnant outside as it was earlier in the evening. I instantly begin sweating in my purple P.J.’s.  A moth flies toward my head, and I slap it away.  Enough of this, I say to myself, and turn to open the door and go back into the house. I turn the knob and it is stuck.   I turn it harder. Damn! I have locked myself out of the house.

Another bug of some sort buzzes my ear, and I swat it away.  What am I going to do now?  I do not want to knock on the door and wake the whole house.  Then I remember the spare key we placed in a well-hidden place in the garden.  In bare feet, I cautiously walk through the flowers and weeds to get to the statue of a gnome.  I slap the mosquitoes away and bend down to find the key under the gnome.  It is not there!

Not knowing what kind of creepy crawly creature I may be touching, I put the gnome back and walk out of the garden.  Maybe the key is in the garage.  For the life of me, I cannot understand who took the key from the gnome.  Shouldn’t he be protecting my keys or something?  Isn’t that what garden gnomes are supposed to do?

I go to the side door of the garage. We do not usually lock it, so I am happy when the knob turns. I push the door.  It will not open more than an inch.  Oh, there is a refrigerator blocking my entrance. This said item is the refrigerator my daughter dropped off earlier to keep in the garage for drinks.  The refrigerator is hanging over the door just enough so I cannot budge the door open.  Double Damn! Why didn’t they check to see if the door opened after they placed the refrigerator in the garage?

I carefully make my way from the garage to the front of the house. I am cautious and avoid cutting my foot on something I cannot see.  I am hoping that the front door is magically opened.  No.  Ahhh….I retrace my steps to the back door again, trying the knob again in vain.  The two dogs have their noses crushed against the window looking at me.  I know they would open the door for me if they could.

Having no other choice, I leave the back yard once more. I head for my bedroom window where I dread waking up my husband; however, at this point, I have no other choice.  Like a thief in the night, I sneak up to the window and tap gently.  I know if anyone on the block looks out their window and sees me, they will think I am a burglar.  I am just about to tap on the window again, when lights blind me, and a voice booms in my ear.

“Please move away from the house and put your hands up.”

My heart falls to my feet.  I quickly turn around ready to explain, and I see that standing there is my husband.  The flashlight is in his hand and it is shaking due to the deep belly laugh he cannot control.  I am furious now and slapping bugs away from my ankles.  I probably will have malaria from all the darn bug bites.

“Jerk!” I mumble to my husband who is crying in hysteria.  I walk around to the back door that he has left open.  The dogs are happy I am unharmed, and I give them both a loving pat on the head for their good intentions.

Trying to control his humor, my husband follows me into the house.  It seems he heard me rummaging around the back yard and got up to see what was going on.  Seeing that I was locked out, he grabbed the flashlight and snuck behind me. He then waited for just the right moment to ambush me.

With a chuckle still vibrating in his chest, my hubby kisses my cheek and goes back to bed.  The bugs really bit me up and the bites require a little Benadryl cream to avoid the itching that will inevitably come by the time I wake up.  Other than the bug bites, I am doing okay.  I did learn a few lessons about locking yourself out of the house.  The first lesson is never trust your husband. Second, dogs only want to love you and let you in.  Finally, do not depend on garden gnomes to hold your spare keys.

In the end, I understand that I need to pay attention when I wish to wander outside in the middle of the night.  I am going to put a spare key somewhere accessible to me. I never want to be locked out of the house, again.

Copyright © Jamie Nowinski and Grandmother Wisdom/ Grandmother Musings 2012-2013.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jamie Nowinski – Grandmother Wisdom/Grandmother Musings with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

About bigsmileu1

What good is living life if you don't share all the experiences, mistakes, and knowledge you have gained? I am a grandmother, a wife, a mother of two grown children, a Jr. High Teacher for almost two decades, an elementary principal and I want to share my experiences.

28 responses »

  1. This made my evening. I shared it with my husband and my dog (who agreed with the lessons you learned). We all laughed 😉 thank you!

  2. Hahahaha – this brought me memories of when I was pretty young, on more than one occasion my grandma would take me shopping with her only to realize upon our return home that she didn’t have the house keys with her. A few times I had to climb up a ladder and crawl into the spare bathroom window. I hated the 6 foot drop from the window to the floor and one day I refused to do the bathroom crawl, so she ended up breaking a glass pane on the back door to open the lock. My grandpa was ever so *happy* to have to repair that when he came home from work that day.

    One time we figured out how to take the window apart on the back bedroom which was a lot easier to crawl into. By the time I was ten, I had figured out more than a few ways to break into her house. Why she didn’t just put her house keys on the same key ring as the cars keys – I will never know. My cousin (who is 14 yrs younger than me) and I were reminiscing about this after her funeral back in May – apparently when he was younger he also had to dismantle and crawl through the window a few times. At least it has provided us with some chuckles over the years.

    • It must be a grandmother thing..locking ourselves out of the house. At least your grandmother had you and your cousin to climb in a window. She must have drove your grandfather crazy. LOL! Your grandmother sounds like a lady I would have liked. 🙂

  3. Missus Tribble

    Your husband deserves a good smack, but I still can’t help but grin!

    I never leave the house without my front door keys, in case the wind blows it shut behind me! I’ve locked myself out of a house once and never want it to happen to me again!

    I hope the bug bites are a bit better today 😦

  4. This story of your nocturnal adventures was the first thing I read this morning …. Great way to start a day with a big laugh! I’m sorry you had to experience it, but your description was hysterical. Hope you have some anti-itch cream for those ankles 🙂

    • My bug bites are better, because I put some anti-itch spray on them right away. I am so glad you got a laugh out of my adventures. It was pretty funny after I calmed down. Thanks for commenting. Enjoy the day! 🙂

  5. That is so funny but so believable….When things go wrong, they really do!…Diane

    • Diane, my late night adventure couldn’t have been made up. It was too ridiculous for words. Only in real life do stupid things like that happen. Enjoy the day! 🙂

  6. This is a great story. Glad everything turned out ok, in spite of your husband’s antics.

  7. What a night! I felt like I was walking with you from your garage, front door, front yard, and back yard. You were ambushed and my heart was pounding…

  8. What a giggle. I’m reading this on my tablet in a coffee shop and got a few strange looks when I laughed out loud. Glad you got in ok eventually and weren’t munched alive by the mosqutos.

    • Thanks, Jackie. Looking back on this adventure does make me laugh, too, now. My hubby will never stop laughing at my antics but then he is such a brat. My bug bites are healing and life is good. Thanks for commenting. Have a great day! 🙂

  9. Priceless!!! Hope the bites aren’t driving you nuts!!
    We have a key safe outside. It is attached to the wall and has a combination and is promoted by the police. I got it because my teenager kept waking me up at stupid o’clock when he returned from partying and didn’t have his key on him ))rolls eyes((
    Teenagers/husbands – who’d have them?!!

  10. What a great story, it made me laugh out loud.
    Ruth from At Home on the Road

  11. This did give me a chuckle! Love the bit about the poor little pups who are powerless to help, but full of good intentions nonetheless… 🙂

    • I am happy you enjoy my story. The puppies would have opened the door for me if they were able to use their paws. LOL! Thanks for commenting and for visiting. Enjou the day! 🙂


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